I have been a Pagan priest and member of Council since 2011. I identify as Taoist with Native American Medicine influences and a relationship with Odin and Pan.
Here it is a little past mid-week. My mind has been swirling and filling and emptying again and taking all of me with it. What to write, what to write? How to write when focus cannot be found? For any of you who were at Samhain, you were able to meet my Goddess Oracle deck. I hoped that perhaps the cards could help me stop spinning and find focus and I think they did.
I was given “Ecstasy” for my primary card, the absolute joy of living. Curious. It is early November and darkness is enveloping us all like a peaceful blanket, a call to rest. And most years my mood follows the light down into an unpleasant darkness that yearns for Yule to bring me back the light. But not this year. The swirling I mentioned at the start is very energetic. I am thinking and getting things done. And I’m scared. I’m bipolar. When my mind and mood shift to a higher gear I fear I might be getting manic, a happy but dangerous place to be. What does one do when energy, creativity, and happiness cannot be trusted?.
Perhaps the card means that having energy and creativity is just that. I doesn’t have to be something to be afraid of. It can be used and enjoyed. The next card, the one that tells what’s holding me back from achieving the first card is Kuan Yin, telling me that I must find compassion for myself. Telling me that I can be happy and energetic without that meaning bipolar mania, and that it’s okay to enjoy it.
I take the next card and find Artemis on the card that tells me what to do. This card always means that I need to be true to myself when I draw it. And what will the cards offer for my experience, what I need to experience to be able to finally find or enjoy the positive aspects of the ecstasy card?
Surprise – Sekhmet meets me with a burning rage and tells me I need that, too. Really? I need to experience rage to feel ecstasy? But rage feels so dangerous. Could it be that before anyone can seize pure joy for even a moment, the true wrongs that make us angry must be addressed. Perhaps enjoying ecstasy without fear, can only come when what needs to be burned away is gone, leaving space for something positive.. The cards always seem to know just what I need to learn.
This midweek moment was supposed to be posted, as its name suggests, in the middle of the week. Wednesday, maybe Thursday, something like that. Today is Saturday. My point is, that it is okay to not be okay and to say it.
How that relates? It’s been one of those weeks where everything seems to take way longer than you expect, things that should really take you thirty minutes seem to take three to four times that. And just like that, poof, there goes the entire week. In addition the way my depression manifests itself is in one of two ways: anger, or what happened this week – lack of motivation. I got writers block, not just on this blog post, but in everything I was doing at work and for Covenant alike. When I get behind on things, my depression tends to come on strong. This week, I am not entirely okay. Nothing is wrong, but I’m behind and I am depressed. I am saying it, because it is okay to not be okay.
There is this notion that some people like to push, that everything should always be alright, that if we are healthy and nothing is actually seriously wrong then we should be happy. But that just isn’t reality for most of us. Nothing can be “wrong” and we can still find ourselves depressed, or struggling in a number of ways. And I want to say it. You’re not alone in this. It is okay to not be okay. You can’t just make yourself be happy if you are not. You’re not alone in struggling for what seems like no reason. You’re not alone in getting behind on projects. You’re not alone in just sometimes not feeling 100% or being at your best. And that is okay. We need to cut ourselves a little slack for this, because beating ourselves up over it will just make it worse. We have to just keep doing the best we can, keep moving forward, try to elevate our mood sure, but don’t feel ashamed of being down or slow or just not okay. It happens to most of us. We are human and this is part of being human. Find a way out of it if you can, and cut yourself some slack if you can’t. You are worthy, you are loved, you are valuable, and you are enough just the way you are. Blessings!
I do try to make my blog entries a bit related to what is going on at Covenant. This week it’s about what’s NOT happening at Covenant, yet. The Dark Moon group. We had really started to get into a rhythm of sharing before Covid. Candle rituals, tarot cards, wishes and spells sealed with flash paper, shared rituals and the grand Inanna Ereshkigal ritual made for interesting and shared spiritual gatherings. I’ve been missing the purple lights and Heckate’s torches. I’ve been missing all of you.
If you haven’t been here and you are thinking “Dark Moon”, I thought it was called New Moon. For my practice, there is a time when the moon is completely dark, neither waning nor waxing. It is a time of potential, it is the cusp, of what only you know.. And then, there is a tiny sliver of a moon, the New Moon, that signals the beginning of the new lunar cycle and the time to act.
So let’s just do it. November 4th at the Hall, the post Covid Dark Moon group will begin. Let’s say 7:00pm. If that’s too early or late, and you want to come/plan to come, let me know. Helios runs behind the foothills earlier and earlier so we should have a nice amount of darkness. If no one comes, I’ll light candles and continue my relationship with my divination cards and I’ll try again in December. Come with ideas. Bring your own candle if you want. We’ll figure out something. It is the group’s Dark Moon, what’s left of the year is when we imagine our future.
That said, I decided that perhaps I would try to tell you about how I became the keeper, the priestess, if you like, of the Dark Moon. There are so many ways to look at the Dark Moon, things to do or not do, Goddesses to get to know, or at least know about. And most of all, for me, the facing of fears in the Dark that has created me. Probably a boring auto-biography but you will know more about me and how the Dark Moon became a strong part of my practice. I came to the Dark Moon slowly. It is a little daunting to be a solitary practitioner in a small-lot suburban neighborhood of two story houses. My backyard is visible to anyone who wants to look and a full moon shines so brightly that my various cats could join me because I could see them. Without anyone to share the joy and energy of a full moon with, my life encouraged me to find Dark Moon power.
For most of my adult life I have dealt with undiagnosed Bipolar disorder. (Three cheers of Mountain Crest and Lithium) Who knew why I was energetic and happy and suddenly in a paralyzing pit of despair. The downs were far more intense than the short lived ups. Too often I found myself in a place I came to call The Abyss, a lonely and deadly place of inescapable darkness. And one day I thought to myself something along the lines, “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” by looking at living a new way.
Stop trying to be the sun, stop being the day, stop doing rituals in the bright moon light that hampered my ability to relax. “Turn and face the strange” as David Bowie once sang. So I turned and I found the Dark Moon standing there waiting to embrace me and show me a different kind of darkness. Because if you want to be there, in the Darkness, it’s a whole different story. Sure it still hurt but there was so much to do with the darkness. If I was in it, I needed to understand how to live there, not just exist. I started going on walks after 10pm at night. And the first thing I felt was an enormous easing of my stress level. There were less cars, less noise. But more than that, I had not realized that without the people, the cloud of feelings and energy that bombard sensitive people would lessen.
I found Lilith and she made me brave and strong. My practice became stronger, my intentions clearer, and my faith in the powers of the universe intensified. I had/have a miniature set of tools – a cauldron, a 2 inch athame, a chalice fit for a hamster, and stones a plenty. This is great for anytime work and in the house work when it is cold or raining on Dark Moon night. Spells brought results more frequently. I found more peace and learned to face fears and perhaps hide from them and feel good about being safe.
I don’t mean I hid from the fear as in avoiding it or not looking at it. I mean walking through the fear with enough protection to feel safe. And here comes the black clothes. When I walked at night away from my neighborhood I was constantly aware that I was a vulnerable prey animal. I trusted the darkness to hide me but trust is something that asks something from you so I wore black head to toe. This meant being aware of not only potential threats, but that I was invisible and to stay away from cars.
I liked it, the shield of darkness and I began to use the same powers of protection in my clothing to keep the emotional and psychological influences on me in a lesser state. Shields up, so to speak. Which helped me be more relaxed in casual situations.
Now I have walked into the gentle darkness of the moon, a darkness more powerful and helpful than the darkness of the Abyss that I used to live in, against my will, in danger of death. Going outside at night to sit or practice is a sensation like easing into a hot bath, like being held by the universe or a caring goddess of the night.
My love of the Dark Moon and the Goddesses that call it home was sealed under a starry sky, during a shooting star night of the Perseid meteor shower in August 2018. My mom used to get sick a lot and what she got always seemed to last forever. I felt like she was always coming down with something, being sick, and making a slow recovery that impaired her life. My mom can be a thorn in my side but I worried. I began a project under the full moon (see, I live my lunar life backwards sometimes) of harvesting herbs or buying herbs associated with healing. It seemed like a crazy idea. I didn’t want to make her sick with some untested potion, I couldn’t let her know that what I made for her was laced with magic, so I decided on a candle.
The herbs dried, then I put them in wax and under the waning quarter moon I cast a circle and did a ritual as the wax and herbs boiled over a small fire. (I kinda felt like a MacBeth witch), all the while seeking Lilith’s power. And the wax potion, a small thing like starter sourdough, sat in it’s magic for a week. At the Dark Moon, it was time. I took it all outside, the wax, the jar, the wick, the herbal magic. And I thought, “No offense Lilith, but this needs to be big, who else can come? Hekate fell out of some book. I guess she wasn’t worried that this was our first date. I surely did not know what a regal and powerful queen I had summoned.
And all the neighbors were outside. Lanterns and fires and grills, and dogs. But I realized they were all there to watch the meteor shower. It’s funny but I think the energy those seekers of falling stars put out over the backyards perhaps joined the magic. It took awhile to melt the wax which gave me time to do a longer ritual and then sit and watch the meteors. Lilith and Heckate, and you have to think that Perseus energy (slayed Medusa) was also there. Melted wax mixes with magic herbal wax. Candle is poured into a used glass candle holder that had a silver cross on it. And after all was said and done, I told my mom to light the candle and pray for herself, not just other people, which was a novel idea for her. I have often thought that there is a great deal in common between a prayer and a spell. So it burned sparsely and I think she got to a place of believing just having it lit was like a prayer for herself.
My mom got sick this week. She can’t seem to kick it. But she never got Covid. She never got sick again until this week. August 2018 to October 2021. I do not doubt the incredible power of Hekate, keeper of the keys of the three realms, bearer of torches to protect and light the way. The only person who travels even into the underworld and out again without the help of Zeus. A goddess of the dark lower realms who visits Persephone but is powerful enough to leave. She, I imagine, was the power in the darkness which welcomed me when I first turned and decided to find life in the darkness.
I am not Morticia Adaams, but perhaps a grown up Wednesday, finding strange, dark things to be interesting and not frightening, who is curious why anyone would find the life which has a dark tinge to be weird. It just is. The darkness of the Abyss is often blotted out by the more powerful and positive darkness that, for me, is symbolized by all the things the Dark Moon has to offer. So when you see me in black or watch me enjoy ritual under a dark sky you will know it is the most positive magic I have ever brought into my life.
See you November 4th.
In the meantime I’ll be collecting herbs and getting ready to make a candle with Hekate!
Blessings!
The last visible crescent of the October lunar cycle The mystical, magical candle of health
Another season passes and the wheel keeps turning. Summer is passed and we stride into October.
Fall is the season for all senses. The feel of cool, crisp mornings and evenings after a long hot summer. A warm, palate of vibrant reds, oranges and browns take over the trees and hillsides. The taste of pumpkin spice seems to be in everything. The sound of crunching leaves underfoot. The smell of woodsmoke without it meaning wildfires.
The season for many brings joy, for others sadness. But for each of us the seasons bring specific associations. And the changing of seasons is the basis for the Neo-Pagan calendar. In fact, the changing of seasons was the original purpose for calendars to be invented at all. At the dawn of modern civilization human kind stopped migrating with the change in weather and settled into towns and started farming for our food. In order to ensure people had enough, you had to time your planting and harvesting carefully with the seasons. Plant too late the food won’t grow enough, harvest too early you may be missing out on more growing season. So the ancients tracked the sun and moon and broke the year up into sections which could then determine when was optimum to plant, and when to harvest.
The Sumerians and Ancient Egyptians had this system down to a science (possibly one of the earliest sciences) and their calendars became a model for other civilizations. They tied the seasons to their deities and celebrated holidays to encourage the bounty of the land. Today as Neo-Pagans we still honor and celebrate the season of fertility and planting, and as we march into Autumn we will celebrate the harvest time. In this way we keep truly ancient traditions alive. The names may change, the traditions may not look the same from culture to culture, but we are all tied together through out time and across the globe. As the Shawnee saying goes: We are all one people spinning through Mother Sky together.
So what are your connections to the Fall season? How are you marking the change of the seasons? And what does Autumn remind you of?
Ritual. Perhaps it seems like a big word to you. Perhaps you think it requires a priest in a robe or a Pagan priestess calling the quarters and the elements with great force and confidence. But when it comes down to it, ritual is only what you need it to be and it never has to be more than that.
What is a ritual? It’s something you define for yourself. Perhaps it is the activity that brings you closer to the meaning of the Sabbat and the powers, if any, that you call upon. Maybe it is when you help others to share these ideas with you. It can be casual and intentional, spiritual and shared. It is as formal as you need it to be. Why is this time of year important to you, whatever time of year it is? Is it gratitude? Is it honoring or celebrating? What matters is that it speaks to you. Ritual may feel hard to plan, but doing it should bring a kind of comfort to the participant(s).
Mabon is next week and that brings me around to three. Three years with Covenant. And while we will do a ritual with each other on Sunday, I have my own Mabon ritual. I make squash soup and bake bread. It’s always the same recipes, the same methods. My tradition. The cup pours the flour, the knife chops the squash, while I remember what I am thankful for. My ritual. I am grateful to find myself at Mabon again with my adult children drawn to the soup like a moth to flame. My celebration and sharing.
Here at Covenant, you will often hear members of the Council asking folks to share their rituals. We really mean it. As a group with many beliefs and styles it is interesting and it is a blessing to see someone else’s point of view. There is no “right way” to do a ritual, no set format, no requirements to light fires or call quarters or share cakes and ale. Those are the rituals we find ourselves routinely using. And that can be comforting. But it is also why we need you to help us step out into something new, to shake it up. Maybe it will be just what I never thought of and needed. Maybe it will be the same exciting discovery to someone else.
Five months into my arrival at Covenant, I somehow ended up doing the Sabbat of Imbolg (or Brigid’s Day, or Candlemas, depending how you see it) I was sure I would do it wrong. I didn’t think I understood Covenant, I hadn’t been here long enough to know what to use for comparison. I was sure there was a routine, an expectation but maybe it was good to do it without knowing. I was free to be me and simply share what I saw as important for that Sabbat. In the end, I thought it went well. And I realized that “right” is only in the person who is doing the ritual for themselves. And sometimes it doesn’t matter what the ritual leader does other than provide a framework to honor the Sabbat or the Moon that the others fit their beliefs on. The circle was not a created circle, it was us, the people sharing the ritual.
Interestingly, what I saw as important that first early spring was what I find important in the cross Sabbat of Lughnasadh – the hope in the seeds, the strength of the earth. The holy that comes in the tiniest of seeds and in the way the earth wakes it to its purpose.
I sat in my backyard with a table and then a stump, doing solo work for over 20 years. Watching the moon, starting little fires, doing what I pleased, what I thought was appropriate for the moment, what I felt called to do. Reading books to help me understand, learning about Goddesses I wanted to help me find my way. So perhaps I was prepared to share something of what I had learned. What else could I do but be myself? It was all I knew. To bring my stump into the Hall (Figuratively).
My favorite ritual I have led at Covenant was the Full Moon when I turned everyone into children and the elements were represented by toys like pinwheels and bubbles. We danced under the Moon/Goddess and found a different way to honor her. It didn’t seem very “sacred” but what is more sacred than joy? (The first rune I drew at Covenant, by the way) My first Full Moon with Covenant was a quiet, peaceful, small circle led by Pat with gentle bells and soft voices. I still have the quarter he gave me, although I can’t remember what it stood for in the ritual. It stood for Pat welcoming me into the circle.
So I am here to welcome you into the circle, whether you’ve been here 15 years or three Mabons, or you just found us today. I encourage you to step outside your comfort zone and share yourself with us. Create a ritual to help us understand things as they look through your eyes. Help us to feel the world and each other in a new way. Teach us, dance with us, light candles, sit quietly. Whatever works for your beliefs or practice. Or write a ritual and ask others to lead it for you. We are not Wiccan or Druid, or Asatru, or any other Pagan group. We are Covenant of the River and we are kind of like my kitchen Mabon ritual. We are a mix of colors and textures becoming warm and full flavored together. We rise up with each other, and we nourish each other. This Mabon, find gratitude. Realize that, at Covenant, you are safe and welcomed. You do you. We will follow you earnestly, wherever you want to lead.
When I go out to the garden these days there are more yellow leaves, more flowers gone to seed. The temperature is fooling me about where we are in the cycle of the seasons. My plants worship the sun and the path of Helios takes him past their garden less than it did just a few weeks ago. The heat feels like July. The plants know it’s September.
When we get to know the ways of the earth, of the plants in the garden, of the trees in our areas and in the mountains, when buds will open, when leaves will fall, we find the earth teaching us to take life as it comes. Life in the garden is right here, right now. Every day is different. Something got bigger, a flower finished and dropped off, another Morning Glory leaf turned yellow. Don’t move! A tiny yellow bird is on the birdbath drinking. Three sips and he’s gone. Just like life – we have to be aware and we have to appreciate the things that bloom and grow and fly through our lives. We enjoy the flower that is today. And we feel the passage of time.
This is that bittersweet moment in the garden. It was so glorious! But now the leaves are turning yellow and water cannot change that. It’s time to start thinking about the next season. Time to start saving the last of the seeds. Time to dig and share plants with friends. Soon it will be time to cut the plants to the ground and take down all the dying vines. The Crone is walking through my garden, gently getting it ready for the winter. Perhaps this is why September is always so glorious. We sit on the line between the beauty that was summer and the coming rest period of winter, and here in the “in-between” it is orange and yellow, it is crunchy and prickly. The harvest is coming in to sustain us through winter with sweet apples and colorful squash. The work is different. It’s taking away, it’s harvesting in, it’s burning the unneeded. Like all the seasons and all the days, the Earth reminds us that this day is the one I have available to use and enjoy.
The plants are the small, easily noticed parts of our world that we can rely on to keep our minds grounded in the present. We watch the moon wax and wane to mark time. But I think that being Pagan is a strong part of what keeps me grounded as well. Most religions have a rotation of holidays that they use to tell the tales of their faith. But my religion is an old religion. My Sabbats belong to the earth, not to a collection of myths. My old religion has myths to celebrate the turning of the Wheel but the stories do not define it. The Earth defines it. The Sea, the Moon, the Sun. The Earth turns, the Moon turns and tugs the Sea, the Galaxy turns, and the Sun gives life. These are the changing seasons, the life and death of all things. That is my religion. The myths and stories that help me celebrate these great powers are my Sabbats.
Give yourself the gift of getting in touch with the turning of the year. Find yourself in the cycle of the seasons. Touch the great Wheel of the Year as it moves through your life, a touchstone in the passing of the days that spin out faster each year. Crunchy, brown, yellow days will bring us Mabon. I can’t wait to harvest the pumpkins. Where is that squash soup recipe?
The Sabbat of Mabon is just around the corner! Don’t miss it. Eight special Sabbats a year to come together with community and mark the passage of time. May your coming days be filled with the power of the changing season, the Earth, and the love of those you hold dear.
We’re going camping!!!!! YAY!!!! We have to get ready for camping. . . . ugh.
For many of us, the camping season is a highlight of our year, but getting ready for it can be difficult. Balancing work, personal life, and trying to prepare to be away from civilization for almost a week can be rough. I don’t know about the rest of you, but for myself it triggers a very nasty aspect of my depression: Lethargy. And that doesn’t help at all. Right when I need the most energy and to get the most done, my motivation dries up. Great. Thanks for that brain.
But whatever the reason for our stress, we don’t have to let those influences win. For me I have found a counter intuitive method of dealing with the stress and getting past my lethargy when it comes around. It may seem odd when I am extremely busy, but my solution is to be still.
In my personal faith meditation and sitting still, to sit with and analyze my emotions is an integral part of practicing spirituality. We are often so busy that we do not sit, we do not process. This can lead to a build up of excess emotion. It can lead to even more stress, less resolution, more frustration. In Taoism we practice what is called Wu Wei which simply means action through inaction, or doing by not doing. Taking a little time o sit with my problems, my thoughts, my feelings can allow me to control them rather than letting them control me. This was one of the most powerful lessons I learned from my martial arts training. Not the moves or strikes, but sitting and listening to myself. Everyone wants to feel heard. So shouldn’t we give ourselves the respect of listening to ourselves at least?
Next time you feel stressed try taking a moment. Sit with your thoughts and process where they come from and what is really yours to handle and what is beyond all human control? It isn’t always easy to do, but if like me you find that you have the least energy right when you need the most, it might be of use.
This last week we celebrated Lughnasadh, named for the God Lugh from the Celtic pantheon. I have always found the story of how the holiday came to be quite interesting and fitting as a model, and example by which to live.
For those who do not know the story, Lugh was the champion of his people, much beloved and they decided to honor him at the harvest festival by naming it for him. He was told this and he replied, “No, do not honor me. If you wish to celebrate what I have done and what I mean to you then honor my mother, Tailtiu.” This was of course first very humble. But the other thing that always stood out to me was that Tailtiu was his foster mother. He did not name Eithne his birth mother, he did not name his father, or his tutors, but he named his foster mother and did not call her foster. The Gaelic word used was “Máthair” which is the affectionate version of the word mother, instead of “Diahal” the formal form of the word mother.
Fostering children was not entirely uncommon in the ancient Celtic world. But by his choice of words he was expressing deep affection and respect for all that his mother Tailtiu had done for him. He was honoring her sacrifices, and how she had cared for him as if she was her own son. There are a number of reasons why it is apt to remember Tailtiu at the harvest, especially for those who follow the Celtic pantheon. But the message I took from this story was one of building family where you find it. Lugh had found family with the Queen of his people’s former enemy. He found love in an unusual place because his mother taught him to love the people he surrounded himself with.
For many of us today we have had to cut ties with family members, or we find out faith puts as at odds with them at times, or maybe they live far away. So at Covenant of the River we have always striven to create a comfortable place to be, and as we build bonds of friendship we form our own family of choice. I am reminded of that at Lughnasadh, and I am so grateful for each of you who have bolstered and supported each other through the years. I love my family of choice.
Among our folk there is love enough to go around. A heart that heals and a hand that lifts. May the blessing of the season be manifest through out the year for all the folk.
